In 9th grade, Ben Ostroff (class slacker) asked Mr. Nalence (American Studies teacher) why we had to learn about "some stupid old dead people with wooden teeth and bad wigs." After a few excrutiatingly silent minutes, Mr. Nalence finally stuttered out, "Because history is cool." It wasn't the wittiest response, but what could he really say to a kid who would never be on Jeopardy, wasn't worried about cocktail parties, and couldn't care less about getting the yellow wedge? Of course, that didn't stop the entire class from laughing at him - including me. Which is why now, 10 years later, I think I owe Mr. Nalence an apology. It turns out that he was right: history is cool...at least it can be if applied to dating (always my favorite subject). I've discovered that the US presidents provide a handy, fun, and (here it comes) cool way to code name all of your ex-boyfriends/girlfriends.
For example:
George Washington: Your first ex. That whole cherry tree bit is just too perfect.
FDR: Your longest relationship.
William Henry Harrison: Your shortest relationship. (And yes, one-night stands count!)
LBJ: The rebound ex.
Grover Cleveland: The ex you dated, broke up with, and then dated again.
John Adams and John Quincy Adams: The father/son exes. What? Oh, okay - so maybe that's just me. Um...nevermind. Moving on.
Chester A. Arthur: The ex you always forget about.
Ben Franklin: The one who isn't an ex, but feels like he should be. I mean seriously, the man's face is on $100 bills - how was he not a president?
George W. Bush: The "What the eff was I thinking?" ex.
And that's just the beginning! Depending on your knowledge of American history (and your number of exes), this list can get way longer. Kinda makes me wish I'd paid more attention to Mr. Nalence. Okay maybe not, but it does kinda make me want to try out my new favorite pick-up line --
"So, you wanna get presidential?"
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Friday, November 05, 2004
The Adult Make-Out Party
Last year, prom parties were all the rage, and now trendsters on both coasts are asking themselves, "What new party theme will make me seem cool?" Not to worry - I have the answer! The next logical progression of this trend is to go back even further in our memory banks to...the make-out party. That's right, it's time for some junior high fun all over again.
Guest List: Singles only. Don't forget to invite your super-secret crush!
Location: If your parents basement is booked, any place with at least one closet will work.
Music: I hesitate to recommend slow jams for any purpose, but I think they could be just what a make-out party needs. You could go classic with Marvin Gaye, Luther Vandross, and Barry White, or you could drop the last names and go newer school with Maxwell, Sade, and Usher. If you just can't bring yourself to push play on the slow jams, anything popular during your middle school years is acceptable.
Activities: Spin the bottle, seven minutes in heaven, suck and blow, truth or dare, standing in the corner feeling uncomfortable.
Food: Breath mints (the key to the whole operation), pizza, potato chips, gummy bears.
Beverages: Natty Ice, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Zima
Rules: To avoid turning your home into a biohazard, you might want to go with "nothing past second base."
What goes on after your guests leave is their business, but the adult make-out party is not about finding someone to go home with. It's about nostalgia for a time when crappy beer tasted good because you didn't know any better, when writing notes that end with - yes - no - maybe (circle one) was standard procedure, and when kissing in somebody's closet seemed like the most exciting thing that could happen.
Guest List: Singles only. Don't forget to invite your super-secret crush!
Location: If your parents basement is booked, any place with at least one closet will work.
Music: I hesitate to recommend slow jams for any purpose, but I think they could be just what a make-out party needs. You could go classic with Marvin Gaye, Luther Vandross, and Barry White, or you could drop the last names and go newer school with Maxwell, Sade, and Usher. If you just can't bring yourself to push play on the slow jams, anything popular during your middle school years is acceptable.
Activities: Spin the bottle, seven minutes in heaven, suck and blow, truth or dare, standing in the corner feeling uncomfortable.
Food: Breath mints (the key to the whole operation), pizza, potato chips, gummy bears.
Beverages: Natty Ice, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Zima
Rules: To avoid turning your home into a biohazard, you might want to go with "nothing past second base."
What goes on after your guests leave is their business, but the adult make-out party is not about finding someone to go home with. It's about nostalgia for a time when crappy beer tasted good because you didn't know any better, when writing notes that end with - yes - no - maybe (circle one) was standard procedure, and when kissing in somebody's closet seemed like the most exciting thing that could happen.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Comeback of the Month: Joey Lauren Adams
Joey Lauren Adams - comeback on down! In 1997 it looked like she was going to be the next big thing or at least the next Parker Posey. Instead her path led her straight to video...but not for long! I say if Jason Bateman can do it, so can Joey Lauren Adams! But she needs to change a few things first. What, did she think looks and talent would be enough?
Unless she's reading for the part of Bridget Jones's sister, she needs to dye her hair red, grow a mole, or differentiate herself from Renee Zellweger somehow. Squinty eyes, big lips, little voice - the public is confused. In fact, there are 1300 search results on Google for "Renee Zellweger"+"Chasing Amy." Forget about making a comeback, JLA still needs to collect credit for her past roles! Adams's IMDB profile even erroneously claimed that Zellweger was her sister for awhile.
And while we're on IMDB, JLA needs to upload a new photo ASAP. The current one is awful. I mean it's no Nick Nolte mug shot (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/mugshots/nolte1.html), but it's not doing her any favors either. And there are tons of better photos just one click away in the "More Pictures" link. Please pick one...now.
Once she has de-Reneed, JLA needs to seek out a role that uses her too-tiny voice to her advantage. I'm thinking a "Nip/Tuck" about a woman who wants a voicebox transplant? Cha-ching. Hello? People like it when you make fun of yourself.
Joey Lauren Adams might be tempted to drop the middle name for her second run at indie fame, but I wouldn't recommend it. I don't really see how it's helped Tiffani not-Amber-anymore Thiessen. And Sara Michelle Geller's doing just fine, thanks. The last thing Joey Lauren Adams needs is another John Cougar/Cougar Mellencamp/Mellencamp debacle on her hands. Plus the "JLA" shorthand could not be more US Weekly-ready. But initials alone won't get the paparazzi's attention. Joey needs to go tabloid by association. Make out with Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend, throw a punch at Tara Reid, eff a Hilton sister - something!
And lastly, Joey needs to get some new devotees. This has to be the worst fan site I've ever seen:
http://smart90.com/joeyadams
How does she expect to get stalked to stardom with fans this lame? And what self-respecting JLA junkie could allow this horrible 8x10 eBay auction to remain on the net?
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=32988&item=3849272881&rd=1
Please somebody "Buy it Now" before a casting director sees it.
What? I said she was ready for a comeback, but I never said it would be easy. So anyway...congratulations to Joey Lauren Adams for earning the title of November Comeback of the Month!
Unless she's reading for the part of Bridget Jones's sister, she needs to dye her hair red, grow a mole, or differentiate herself from Renee Zellweger somehow. Squinty eyes, big lips, little voice - the public is confused. In fact, there are 1300 search results on Google for "Renee Zellweger"+"Chasing Amy." Forget about making a comeback, JLA still needs to collect credit for her past roles! Adams's IMDB profile even erroneously claimed that Zellweger was her sister for awhile.
And while we're on IMDB, JLA needs to upload a new photo ASAP. The current one is awful. I mean it's no Nick Nolte mug shot (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/mugshots/nolte1.html), but it's not doing her any favors either. And there are tons of better photos just one click away in the "More Pictures" link. Please pick one...now.
Once she has de-Reneed, JLA needs to seek out a role that uses her too-tiny voice to her advantage. I'm thinking a "Nip/Tuck" about a woman who wants a voicebox transplant? Cha-ching. Hello? People like it when you make fun of yourself.
Joey Lauren Adams might be tempted to drop the middle name for her second run at indie fame, but I wouldn't recommend it. I don't really see how it's helped Tiffani not-Amber-anymore Thiessen. And Sara Michelle Geller's doing just fine, thanks. The last thing Joey Lauren Adams needs is another John Cougar/Cougar Mellencamp/Mellencamp debacle on her hands. Plus the "JLA" shorthand could not be more US Weekly-ready. But initials alone won't get the paparazzi's attention. Joey needs to go tabloid by association. Make out with Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend, throw a punch at Tara Reid, eff a Hilton sister - something!
And lastly, Joey needs to get some new devotees. This has to be the worst fan site I've ever seen:
http://smart90.com/joeyadams
How does she expect to get stalked to stardom with fans this lame? And what self-respecting JLA junkie could allow this horrible 8x10 eBay auction to remain on the net?
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=32988&item=3849272881&rd=1
Please somebody "Buy it Now" before a casting director sees it.
What? I said she was ready for a comeback, but I never said it would be easy. So anyway...congratulations to Joey Lauren Adams for earning the title of November Comeback of the Month!
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Last Minute Halloween Costumes
Okay, so maybe it's not quite last minute yet. Be sure to check back in a few days when you're really effed.
Easy costume ideas that aren't doctor, cat, or slutty nurse :
1. Napoleon Dynamite. Squeeze into your skinny jeans, make a "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt, and don't close your mouth for the rest of the night. A few tater tots placed in strategic pockets and/or a fanny pack will be the cherry on top. It was just an idea, GOSH!
2. Mouseketeer. For the girl who was a cat last year and a slutty nurse the year before. All you need are mouse ears and cute dress. "Future Skank" button optional.
3. The Heathers. How very. Need: green blazer, red blazer, yellow blazer, 3 croquet sticks, and 3 nametags - some partygoers will need a little help. But that brings up the eternal question: if they don't get it, are they really worth talking to? What's your damage, Heather?
4. The Golden Girls. These ladies have made an unpredictable comeback into popular lexicon this year partly due to all of the "I Love the 80s/90s/last week" specials on VH-1. Betty White and her crew even managed a shout out on "The OC." Make it easy on yourselves: the short straw gets Dorothy.
Easy costume ideas that aren't doctor, cat, or slutty nurse :
1. Napoleon Dynamite. Squeeze into your skinny jeans, make a "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt, and don't close your mouth for the rest of the night. A few tater tots placed in strategic pockets and/or a fanny pack will be the cherry on top. It was just an idea, GOSH!
2. Mouseketeer. For the girl who was a cat last year and a slutty nurse the year before. All you need are mouse ears and cute dress. "Future Skank" button optional.
3. The Heathers. How very. Need: green blazer, red blazer, yellow blazer, 3 croquet sticks, and 3 nametags - some partygoers will need a little help. But that brings up the eternal question: if they don't get it, are they really worth talking to? What's your damage, Heather?
4. The Golden Girls. These ladies have made an unpredictable comeback into popular lexicon this year partly due to all of the "I Love the 80s/90s/last week" specials on VH-1. Betty White and her crew even managed a shout out on "The OC." Make it easy on yourselves: the short straw gets Dorothy.
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