krystal-ball

Mail Kall: Of the Wild

2006-02-01T11:47:00.000-08:00

Dear KBall,
It seems the penguins were 2005's animal of choice. With March of the Penguins, the Coke commercials, and the upcoming animated movie, penguins have ruled '05 with an ironed featherless wing. My question is what do see in your krystal ball as the animal of 2006?
-B-Rad

Dear B-Rad
Your trend assessment is right on - penguins marched all over 2005 in a big way. KBall predicts that 2006 will be dominated by yet another bird - the owl. These cuddly, wise, and sometimes-endagered aves have a bit of a head start thanks to Harry Potter and the Tootsie Roll Pop, but 2006 is their year branch out (wink-wink) into the mainstream of fashion and movies. G-rated cartoons have already taken us underwater, into outer space, and even beneath the earth - um, hello, Pixar? It's about time you take to the trees goddammit!

Prepare to see more "Give a hoot, don't pollute" retro tees and punny "Night Owl" pajamas (perhaps with an "Early Bird" counterpart?) at Urban Outfitters and other hipster locations. But don't put down those binoculars just yet. The bird watching has just begun. Owls will not be the only flyers whoooo (wink-wink) will appear in 2006. Birds, in general, are starting to pop up on bags, jewelry, clothing, and even flatware. In fact, I'm gonna go out on a limb (wink-wink) and say that birds are the new black. You heard it here first.

Keep up the good spotting (wink-wink), KBall

Do you take issue with one of KBall's posts? Need dating advice? How about cocktail ideas for your Veteran's Day party? For fabulous answers to all of your dating, drinking, and trend-related questions, just email KBall at krystal-ball@hotmail.com. She promises to help you as best and wittiest she can.

Red Velvet If You Please

2005-11-11T12:23:00.000-08:00

Roll Out the Red Carpet

Move over cheesecake. Step aside pumpkin pie. It's RV parking only on the bakery shelves these days. Chocolate cake, cream cheese frosting, and red dye - how can you resist the red velvet? You can't. And neither can anyone else. Red velvet is the new "it" dessert. But 2005 is not red velvet's first time in the spotlight. Though often associated with the American South, urban legend has it that red velvet cake was invented at Manhattan's Waldorf Astoria Hotel in the 1930s. The cake hit peak popularity in the 50s and 60s - they even had red velvet bake-offs (Why, God, why wasn't I born earlier?). But the 70s were not kind to red velvet - due to that pesky little link between red dye #2 and cancer. But the reinstatement of the red M&M paved the way for a red velvet return. And this time, I think it's here to stay. Um, hello Vermont? I need to speak to Ben and/or Jerry ASAP.

Seeing Red

From the chowhound message boards to Martha Stewart to Gilmore Girls, red velvet is getting shout outs all over the place. For those in LA, Sprinkles, Buttercake Bakery, and Doughboys all have excellent versions. Krystal Ball predicts that chains like that The Cheesecake Factory will get in on the velvet action any day now. And after the chains, come the supers. Sometime next year, expect to find red velvet in your local Ralph's, sandwiched between the angel food and the sock-it-to-me.

Red Herrings

Like any trend, this one is sure to spawn several cheap knock-offs (I'm sorry El DeBarge, but you'll never be Prince). Just remember: accept no imitations. LA's Jack and Jill's has something called Pink Velvet, but it's got no chocolate and no cream cheese frosting. Nice try guys, but I'm not buying it. On the Apprentice 2, one of the teams made Red Velvet Ice Cream, but the final product was raspberry and white chocolate flavored. I have two words for team Apex: shut it.

Red Handed

Don't want to waste time sorting through designer impostors? Why not just make your own? There are hundreds of variations on the recipe, but here's a link to one that's a good starting place.

Red-Letter Days

Though a popular wedding cake (Steel Magnolias, anyone?), getting hitched is not the only occasion for rolling out the red velvet carpet. Check it out:

Valentine's - Red Hot Velvet Cake

Heart-shaped cake pans plus a few "Call Me" or "Love Ya" candy hearts on top and viola! The perfect V-day dessert for your sweetie or for sitting at home watching a "Cribs" marathon and sobbing uncontrollably, not that I know anything about that.

4th of July - Red, White, and Blue Velvet Cake

It's always so hard to find something to munch on while watching Mr. O'Brien blow off a few fingers. The answer is finally here: sprinkle some blueberries over the frosting to turn red velvet cake into a patriotic summery dessert.

Halloween - Blood Velvet Cake

Affix a few plastic spiders and tell everyone you donated a pint for the cause. Goes well with vampire and slutty vampire costumes.

Christmas - Red and Green Velvet Cake

Add some green food dye to the frosting to make red velvet cake merry. But remember: a little green goes a long way. You don't want guests to feel like the Grinch threw up on your serving plate.

Red Krystal

Okay, time to go prepare for my Vodkalicious birthday party where I'm serving- you guessed it - red velvet cake.

Mail Kall: Fiona Apple Edition

2005-10-12T15:19:00.000-07:00

Dear KBall,

Now hold on a second, blogmistress. I love your new postings (mostly the penultimate one, since I've never watched LOST), but I take exception to Fiona Apple making the comeback list. Hello? She's never had a bad album, she's never disappeared into oblivion because people didn't care anymore (the Free Fiona people certainly care...a little too much, you might say), and she's probably as much or more talked-about now than ever before. Granted, she's got stage fright so hardly tours, and she's got a no-rush Kate Bush attitude about her studio albums, but she's no Taylor Dayne. In fact, I suggest you switch Fiona's name with, say, Loggins and Messina. In Columbus, they had to give away tickets to that show last week. And one more thing, have you no Philly loyalty? Boyz II Men? They were ten times as good as any of the Boy Bands from the past decade. "Motown Philly"? "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday"? "Water Runs Dry"? Even "End of the Road"--I didn't love that one, but I slow-danced to it with my biggest crush in seventh grade, and I was in heaven that the song was a good five or six minutes long. Ah, middle school.

Looking forward to the next one, Khyber

Dear Khyber,

Dude! Fiona Apple hasn't put out an album in 6 years! She totally disappeared into oblivion...even though I will admit that she managed to hold on to a bevy of loyal fans. But come on! I'm sure even Kirk Cameron has a few diehards out there begging ABC to bring back "Growing Pains." Fiona needed a comeback...and she's getting one right now! I put her on the list because I felt she was deserving of a second chance. A Loggins and Messina comeback? Krystal-Ball predicts it's not gonna happen. You may be right about Boyz II Men though. I should have more Philly pride than that since I too have shared many a slow dance to their slow jams over the years. Thank you so much for reading the krystal-ball.

Mowtown Philly back again, KBall

PS: I like the soud of "blogmistress."

Do you take issue with one of KBall's posts? Need dating advice? How about cocktail ideas for your Veteran's Day party? For fabulous answers to all of your dating, drinking, and trend-related questions, just email KBall at krystal-ball@hotmail.com. She promises to help you as best and wittiest she can.

How To: Host a "LOST" Party

2005-09-19T19:21:00.000-07:00

LOST just won a Best Drama Emmy, and Season 2 starts up this Wednesday at 9...which leaves you just enough time to plan your very own LOST Premiere Party. The watching with friends aspect of the night is great for wimps like me who get scared out of their mind by the creature, the hatch, and the whole "Theresa goes up the stairs, Theresa goes down the stairs" creep-a-licious dream. But LOST parties aren't only for scaredy cats - any fan with a living room and a TV (27" or larger is ideal) can host one. Here's how:

DECOR

Raid the luau isle of your local party store for plastic palm trees, parrot pinatas, and hibiscus napkin rings.

Fill up any empty wall space with pictures of beaches and sunsets. A wall mural would be ideal, but I understand if you're not ready to make that kind of commitment (wuss).

Put on an ocean noise CD instead of background music.

FOOD

BBQed Boar (I will love and admire anyone who pulls this off!)
Dried Seaweed
Coconut-flavored anything
Goldfish Crackers
Swedish Fish
"Danielle's" French Fries
1-2 Korean Side Dishes
Klondike Bars

DRINKS

Island Tide
Jack on the rocks
Jin n' Tonic
Boone's Farm Wine (In Memoriam)

ACTIVITIES

Drinking Game: Everybody takes a sip when...
- Sawyer calls Kate "Freckles." (Apparently I need HDTV to understand why.)
- Locke mentions, "the hatch."
- Jack uses his medical background to heal a castaway.
- The dog is on screen.
- Any character says the word, "lost."
- The creature appears.

Trivia Game: Hand out paper airplanes with "Oceanic 815" written on the outside and LOST trivia on the inside. For quiz-worthy info, try TV Tome, IMDb, and the Offical ABC LOST site. During the first commercial break, have your guests write down their answers. Whoever gets the most right, wins! Prizes can include the LOST companion book or wall calendar, airplane-sized mini alcohol bottles, or an inflatable raft. The two people with the lowest scores will be handcuffed to each other for the rest of the episode.

Lotto Pool: Ask everyone to chip in $1 for Friday's drawing. Get one honorary Hurley ticket (4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42-mega), and the rest quick picks. Prepare to get rich and get cursed.

And remember, if you can't get your party ready in time for Wednesday, there's always next week...

Comeback of the Month: The Comeback

2005-09-04T12:20:00.000-07:00

Everything comes back.

Right now, the biggest trend in celebrity, fashion, and entertainment is the comeback. From Paula Abdul to Ozzy Osbourne to the miniskirt, it seems that everyone and everything is getting a second chance. There are dozens of comeback-oriented TV shows like “Remaking,” “Rockstar: INXS,” “Return of the Average Joes,” “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” “TLC’s R U The Girl?”, and even “The Comeback.” Not to mention that “The Family Guy” was reinstated to FOX’s prime time line-up after 3 years off the air. Even bands like The Pixies, Boyz II Men, and Motley Crue are getting back together. Boyz II Men…um seriously, why?

And FYI, this comeback trend is not the same thing as the nostalgia craze, though the two are related. Here are some examples to clear things up. Nostalgia is “Starsky and Hutch” and “The Dukes of Hazzard” movies. Comeback is a “Road House” sequel and “The Cutting Edge 2” (no, I’m totally serious). Nostalgia is 20-year-olds wearing Strawberry Shortcake tees at Hot Topic. Comeback is 5-year-olds buying Strawberry Shortcake dolls at Toys R Us. Nostalgia is “I Love the 80s.” Comeback is “Remaking: Taylor Dayne.” Got it? Good. Now for the juicy stuff.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Whenever I notice a new trend, I can’t help but wonder, “How will this help people get laid?” This time the answer is obvious – exes. Whatever term you prefer (rekindling, blue binning, or Grover Cleveland), exes are floating to the top of everyone’s dating pool.

“How’d you two rekindle?” is the new “How did you two meet?” And not for no reason – ex sex doesn’t raise your “number,” exes already know what turns you on, and the time delay factor makes you forget about all of his/her bad qualities…at least for a little while. And luckily, you don’t need to be an official ex to make a comeback. Even a one-night-stand leaves room for rekindling. As long as there was a period of non-canoodling, there is a chance successful reunion. But how?

The internet is making it much harder for the one who got away to make a clean getaway. With sites like friendster, myspace, zabasearch, classmates, and hundreds of copycats, finding an old flame easier than ever. Just type you’re former/soon-to-be sweetie’s name and in seconds there will be photos, hobbies, and favorites at your fingertips. If you’d rather talk than type, call a mutual friend to get the ex’s current digits (and status – it’s no good trying to rekindle with married folk).

Once you know where your target lives and have peered through her bedroom window– I mean, determined that she is single and hasn’t gained like 200 pounds, it’s time for “the gesture.” Let the romantic comedy be your ultimate source of inspiration; boy loses girl, then he makes his cute, personal, and original comeback, and then boy gets girl again. But before you buy those airplane tickets or climb up that balcony, you might want to call first. Start small. Make sure you’ve at least got a shot before you spend your weekend editing together a starry-eyed slideshow.

After you’ve determined that she remembers you and doesn’t still have your face on a dartboard, remind her why she liked you in the first place. Prove that you remember details by buying her favorite food, flowers, or tickets to see a band she likes. Another smooth move is to send her an old photo of you 2 with a cutesy message: “Just in case my head’s been cut out of your copy.” Or how about a CD with a song that meant something to you two? (Though I strongly suggest adhering to the “No Boyz II Men” rule.)

What about those qualities of yours she didn’t so much? Minimize, minimize, minimize. Make sure to mention how much you’ve come to value punctuality, how you finally got around to using that gym membership, and how you decided not to renew your “Barely Legal” subscription this year. But most importantly, make sure she knows how much you missed her. This is not the time to play it cool. Be humble, be open, and be sincere.

So grab your yearbook/laptop/phonebook and get going while the zeitgeist is in your favor. By next week, rebuffing may be enjoying a new vogue. What? You don’t know! The point is you must act now, now, NOW!

The best is yet to come…back.

Future Predictions in the trend:

A VH1 special: “The 100 Greatest Celebrity Comebacks.”

Celebs who haven’t been dissed on Letterman or featured in Star will be thought of as too perfect and inaccessible. Publicists will purposely stage a fall from grace just so they can start planning a comeback. (I can only hope this is Tom Cruise’s strategy).

A slew of comeback attempts from faded stars like Luke Perry, Haley Joel Osment, Winona Ryder, and Fiona Apple.

“Best Comeback” category at this year’s MTV movie/music awards.

Celeb couples rekindling. Jude and Sienna are in the middle of a maybe reunion. Next up? Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal, Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid, or John Stamos and Rebecca Romijn.

Late night dating show where the contestant has to choose between 3 exes. Or where an ex tries to steal the contestant away from his/her current mate (ala "Change of Heart"). Um, hello KCAL? I'm so there.

You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.

The comeback trend can even be found on the blogosphere. Like, say there’s a super-cool blog that you read religiously, but then it goes mysteriously untouched for a few months. You’re all bummed….until it comes back with a completely stellar post that makes you appreciate it way more. That would be, like, really awesome, and you’d totally be hooked again, right? Uh…right?

Makeover of the Month: Potluck

2005-03-28T17:51:00.000-08:00

The potluck has always been a popular party idea because it's easy on the host - less to buy, less to cook, and less to stress out about, but after a few run-ins with Lisa's Famous Meatballs and Don's Legendary Chili, the potluck starts to feel a bit...well, un-cool. So, what's a potluck to do to avoid hipster obsolescence? Get a Krystal-Ball makeover, that's what! (cheers, applause) That's right, it's not about covered dishes and cleverly disguised leftovers anymore. These new potlucks are about style, fun, and most importantly, everyone bringing a little something to the table:

Tapatluck - Forget the lasagna and the giant salad bowl. It's tapas only for this all night appetizer munchathon. Anyone who shows up with a casserole dish or a wooden serving spoon will be turned away at the door and sent to the nearest church basement.

*Wine: Necessary
*Mod decor: Optional

Hotlucky - Every guest must bring one hot (and of course single) person with them. As long as you and your friends share the same definition of hot, the lucky part should be no problem.

*Condoms: Necessary
*Getting his/her number after: Optional

Plotluck - Everyone must bring a 1-3 paragraph story about themselves. Remember, the idea is to learn something new about your friends, and yes, you already told us about that awesome time in college when you were on shrooms, and... I mean, can we get some new material over here? If desired, the host can even assign a topic, such as "I was most embarrassed when..." or "The first time I..."

*Creativity: Necessary
*Feeling like a dweeb because you exposed way too much: Optional

.luck - Your guests must place an internet personal ad, and then bring one person to the party who answers the ad. This is a guaranteed great time for anyone who likes baldies, fatties, and awkward small talk...just kidding. Jeez, I said I was kidding! Whatever.

*Getting the digital photo before the party: Necessary
*Making up a lame excuse after seeing him/her in person: Optional.

Shotluck - Who needs food when you've got booze? This party is all about the alcohol! (But really, what party isn't?) I highly recommend the Chocolate Cake Shot, Kamikaze, Jell-O, and- well who cares after that? You'll be too hammered to taste anything anyway.

*Taxis on call: Necessary
*Pole dancing: Optional...or was that the other way around?

Notluck - Hiring a professional party planner and insisting that guests bring nothing. Perfect for the anal-retentives who hyperventilate at the thought of leaving anything to chance.

*Napkin Swans: Necessary
*Valium: Optional

How To Be A Good Secret Admirer

2005-02-21T19:31:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else noticed that courtship has gotten way boring? You meet at a bar or a party or through friends. Then you exchange numbers and end up at dinner or a movie or coffee. Then maybe after a few more movies or coffees or dinners, you become boyfriend/girlfriend. [yawn] I mean, what the eff? Where’s the suspense? Where’s the excitement? Where’s the creativity? They're all completely missing...and it's become acceptable. We singletons need something to get us out of this rut. We need something bold, something clever, something interesting. We need...the secret admirer!

The secret admirer has built-in mystery, and drama, and fun, and I’m getting excited just thinking about it. But it’s not as easy as simply signing a greeting card "guess who." A good secret admirer has forethought, preparation, and if nothing else, a reliable plan. "But how do I do all that?" you ask. Well, it's quite simple: you just keep reading...

NOTE: This is written to guys, but (of course) I believe that girls can secretly admire with the best of ‘em – the only difference is the pronouns.

Find Your Target
Choose a girl you like. It’s no fun doing creepy-sweet gestures for someone you’re only half into. Go for the girl who, at the very least, knows your name. At the big reveal, you don’t want hear, "Aren’t you, like, the breadstick guy from Olive Garden?" Please pick someone you know a little bit better than that.

Timing is Everything
Don’t blow your cover too soon. Building suspense takes time; keep the operation up long enough to arouse her curiosity, but not long enough for her to get a new boyfriend. When she looks your way with that shifty narrowed-eyes "is it you?" gaze, it’s time to reveal. In general, a day is too short, a month is too long.

Make it Personal
I hereby outlaw the use of stuffed animals and/or heart-shaped boxes of candy. It’s secret admirer, not secret tacky-ass cheeseball. Do something personal like putting her favorite half-caf vanilla 3-shot soy latte on doorstep. Or leave her an umbrella on a rainy day. A mix CD in the mailbox? Always good. Or how about a fortune cookie with a personalized message inside? No matter what you give her, be sure to leave a note. You don’t want some lazy dweeb taking credit for your moves.

And remember, it’s the thought that counts, not the perceived market value. I know that some gold diggers– um, I mean, girls– may disagree, but I think jewelry is a bit too much bling for a secret admirer.

Create a Buzz
A secret admirer needs to be his own PR department. If her friends are excited about you, she will be too. Be sure to send something to her workplace. Try flowers or cookies or a letter (I, myself, am a big fan of the long stem cookie bouquet – future secret admirers please take note). With an entire office full of nosy witnesses, word is bound to spread. Forget "Desperate Housewives," you will be the water cooler discussion. If you’re really good, they might even start an office pool on your identity.

Be Sneaky
If you plan on using snail mail, send your letters from a different zip code to keep her guessing. For example, if you live in Sherman Oaks, post the letter from Santa Monica. (Though I wouldn’t recommend the reverse: only sneak up the real estate ladder.)

To make it interesting, put a bouquet of flowers in a public locker, then slip her the key and directions. But don’t make her go too far out of her way. Road rage is not an aphrodisiac.

And for godssake, use the internet to your advantage. Being e-nonymous is easier than ever! Send her emails from a specialty address (Krystal’sAdmirer@hotmail.com). Or if you’re way net-savvy dedicate a website or blog to your girl. Send her the site’s URL, and then each day, post a new message just for her.

I Said "Sneaky," not "Stalker"
Don’t do anything illegal unless you have some sort of freaky pepper spray fetish. No girl is impressed by having to re-key her locks, change her passwords, or move out of state. In fact, even hinting at stalker behavior could push her away. Permanently.

Oh, and don’t collect any of her hair, clothing, or garbage. Someday she may find it, freak out, and know for sure that you are the creepiest of creepies. Really, don’t do it, you perv.

Get Her Ready for the Reveal
Send her a "Save the Date" card that discloses the night of your big reveal. Give her things for the date as it gets closer – a bottle of wine with 2 glasses or a business card of the romantic restaurant you plan to meet at. If you’re a total horndog, you might be hoping your reveal date will end with "Good Morning," but for the love of God, don’t let her know that. If I open my mailbox and see a Trojan Super Sampler, I’m not gonna meet you. I’m just not.

Once the date and time are all set, make arrangements to pick her up. Or have her meet you at a restaurant, and let the host lead her to your fabulous table.

Be Realistic
Secret admiring doesn’t guarantee to get you a girlfriend or even to get you laid, but don’t underestimate the power of a little thoughtfulness. No matter what the outcome, I promise it’ll be more interesting than another run-of-the-mill [double yawn] coffee date.

2005 Predictions

2005-01-07T17:51:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know I'm a few days late, but that doesn't mean I'm not right. I looked deep into the Krystal Ball for 2005, and I saw...

FOOD

Chopsticks: Not just for Asian food anymore! Tapas/small plates/canapes/insert other fancy word for appetizers/ are everywhere, and what better utensil than chopsticks for all this fun-sized food? Bonus: chopsticks help you eat slower - that's good for digestion and the waistline.

Venison: Deer is so the new cow. Okay, so maybe it's more like the new ostrich or buffalo, but I say venison steaks, chili, sandwiches, jerky are here to stay...this year.

DRINK

Floral Cocktails: With Shaker's rose infused vodka taking in all kinds of awards in 2004, the Rose Cosmo will be a definite staple on this year's Valentine menus. After that, it's only a matter of time until the lavendertini becomes the new apple. Come on, how great does "orange blossom fizz" sound?

MUSIC

Underage Rock Bands: We've had more than our share of "countdown to legal" websites inspired by under-18 females (Britney, Mandy, Lindsey, Jessica, etc.). Now it's the boys' turn. One still-in-high-school group, Orange, just signed a record deal off their "No Rest For the Weekend" single, and they're just the beginning. TRL - prepare to be inundated by the not-yet-legal rock band. Of course, along with this trend comes a slew of controversial questions. "Do you think they'll, like, play at their own prom?"

FASHION

Buttons: Flowers may be in for drinks, but are way out for fashion. It was only months (weeks for you red staters) that flowers were on shoes, blazers, hair bands, and everything else they sell in the mall. Now they're in my mom's closet: hello, tipping point? Faster than you can say "so five minutes ago," bows are taking up right where flowers left off. From the red carpet to J. Crew, the bow is the new flower. So what's next? Buttons. I can't explain why it's not stars or buckles or concentric circles. It just is.

KRYSTAL

Fame, Fortune, and Foxy Boyfriends: A futurist can dream, can't she?

Gettin' Presidential

2004-11-30T18:07:00.000-08:00

In 9th grade, Ben Ostroff (class slacker) asked Mr. Nalence (American Studies teacher) why we had to learn about "some stupid old dead people with wooden teeth and bad wigs." After a few excrutiatingly silent minutes, Mr. Nalence finally stuttered out, "Because history is cool." It wasn't the wittiest response, but what could he really say to a kid who would never be on Jeopardy, wasn't worried about cocktail parties, and couldn't care less about getting the yellow wedge? Of course, that didn't stop the entire class from laughing at him - including me. Which is why now, 10 years later, I think I owe Mr. Nalence an apology. It turns out that he was right: history is cool...at least it can be if applied to dating (always my favorite subject). I've discovered that the US presidents provide a handy, fun, and (here it comes) cool way to code name all of your ex-boyfriends/girlfriends.

For example:

George Washington: Your first ex. That whole cherry tree bit is just too perfect.

FDR: Your longest relationship.

William Henry Harrison: Your shortest relationship. (And yes, one-night stands count!)

LBJ: The rebound ex.

Grover Cleveland: The ex you dated, broke up with, and then dated again.

John Adams and John Quincy Adams: The father/son exes. What? Oh, okay - so maybe that's just me. Um...nevermind. Moving on.

Chester A. Arthur: The ex you always forget about.

Ben Franklin: The one who isn't an ex, but feels like he should be. I mean seriously, the man's face is on $100 bills - how was he not a president?

George W. Bush: The "What the eff was I thinking?" ex.

And that's just the beginning! Depending on your knowledge of American history (and your number of exes), this list can get way longer. Kinda makes me wish I'd paid more attention to Mr. Nalence. Okay maybe not, but it does kinda make me want to try out my new favorite pick-up line --

"So, you wanna get presidential?"

The Adult Make-Out Party

2004-11-05T16:17:00.000-08:00

Last year, prom parties were all the rage, and now trendsters on both coasts are asking themselves, "What new party theme will make me seem cool?" Not to worry - I have the answer! The next logical progression of this trend is to go back even further in our memory banks to...the make-out party. That's right, it's time for some junior high fun all over again.

Guest List: Singles only. Don't forget to invite your super-secret crush!

Location: If your parents basement is booked, any place with at least one closet will work.

Music: I hesitate to recommend slow jams for any purpose, but I think they could be just what a make-out party needs. You could go classic with Marvin Gaye, Luther Vandross, and Barry White, or you could drop the last names and go newer school with Maxwell, Sade, and Usher. If you just can't bring yourself to push play on the slow jams, anything popular during your middle school years is acceptable.

Activities: Spin the bottle, seven minutes in heaven, suck and blow, truth or dare, standing in the corner feeling uncomfortable.

Food: Breath mints (the key to the whole operation), pizza, potato chips, gummy bears.

Beverages: Natty Ice, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Zima

Rules: To avoid turning your home into a biohazard, you might want to go with "nothing past second base."

What goes on after your guests leave is their business, but the adult make-out party is not about finding someone to go home with. It's about nostalgia for a time when crappy beer tasted good because you didn't know any better, when writing notes that end with - yes - no - maybe (circle one) was standard procedure, and when kissing in somebody's closet seemed like the most exciting thing that could happen.

Comeback of the Month: Joey Lauren Adams

2004-11-02T17:02:00.000-08:00

Joey Lauren Adams - comeback on down! In 1997 it looked like she was going to be the next big thing or at least the next Parker Posey. Instead her path led her straight to video...but not for long! I say if Jason Bateman can do it, so can Joey Lauren Adams! But she needs to change a few things first. What, did she think looks and talent would be enough?

Unless she's reading for the part of Bridget Jones's sister, she needs to dye her hair red, grow a mole, or differentiate herself from Renee Zellweger somehow. Squinty eyes, big lips, little voice - the public is confused. In fact, there are 1300 search results on Google for "Renee Zellweger"+"Chasing Amy." Forget about making a comeback, JLA still needs to collect credit for her past roles! Adams's IMDB profile even erroneously claimed that Zellweger was her sister for awhile.

And while we're on IMDB, JLA needs to upload a new photo ASAP. The current one is awful. I mean it's no Nick Nolte mug shot (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/mugshots/nolte1.html), but it's not doing her any favors either. And there are tons of better photos just one click away in the "More Pictures" link. Please pick one...now.

Once she has de-Reneed, JLA needs to seek out a role that uses her too-tiny voice to her advantage. I'm thinking a "Nip/Tuck" about a woman who wants a voicebox transplant? Cha-ching. Hello? People like it when you make fun of yourself.

Joey Lauren Adams might be tempted to drop the middle name for her second run at indie fame, but I wouldn't recommend it. I don't really see how it's helped Tiffani not-Amber-anymore Thiessen. And Sara Michelle Geller's doing just fine, thanks. The last thing Joey Lauren Adams needs is another John Cougar/Cougar Mellencamp/Mellencamp debacle on her hands. Plus the "JLA" shorthand could not be more US Weekly-ready. But initials alone won't get the paparazzi's attention. Joey needs to go tabloid by association. Make out with Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend, throw a punch at Tara Reid, eff a Hilton sister - something!

And lastly, Joey needs to get some new devotees. This has to be the worst fan site I've ever seen:
http://smart90.com/joeyadams
How does she expect to get stalked to stardom with fans this lame? And what self-respecting JLA junkie could allow this horrible 8x10 eBay auction to remain on the net?
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=32988&item=3849272881&rd=1
Please somebody "Buy it Now" before a casting director sees it.

What? I said she was ready for a comeback, but I never said it would be easy. So anyway...congratulations to Joey Lauren Adams for earning the title of November Comeback of the Month!

Last Minute Halloween Costumes

2004-10-26T18:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, so maybe it's not quite last minute yet. Be sure to check back in a few days when you're really effed.

Easy costume ideas that aren't doctor, cat, or slutty nurse :

1. Napoleon Dynamite. Squeeze into your skinny jeans, make a "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt, and don't close your mouth for the rest of the night. A few tater tots placed in strategic pockets and/or a fanny pack will be the cherry on top. It was just an idea, GOSH!

2. Mouseketeer. For the girl who was a cat last year and a slutty nurse the year before. All you need are mouse ears and cute dress. "Future Skank" button optional.

3. The Heathers. How very. Need: green blazer, red blazer, yellow blazer, 3 croquet sticks, and 3 nametags - some partygoers will need a little help. But that brings up the eternal question: if they don't get it, are they really worth talking to? What's your damage, Heather?

4. The Golden Girls. These ladies have made an unpredictable comeback into popular lexicon this year partly due to all of the "I Love the 80s/90s/last week" specials on VH-1. Betty White and her crew even managed a shout out on "The OC." Make it easy on yourselves: the short straw gets Dorothy.