Comeback of the Month: The Comeback

Everything comes back.

Right now, the biggest trend in celebrity, fashion, and entertainment is the comeback. From Paula Abdul to Ozzy Osbourne to the miniskirt, it seems that everyone and everything is getting a second chance. There are dozens of comeback-oriented TV shows like “Remaking,” “Rockstar: INXS,” “Return of the Average Joes,” “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” “TLC’s R U The Girl?”, and even “The Comeback.” Not to mention that “The Family Guy” was reinstated to FOX’s prime time line-up after 3 years off the air. Even bands like The Pixies, Boyz II Men, and Motley Crue are getting back together. Boyz II Men…um seriously, why?

And FYI, this comeback trend is not the same thing as the nostalgia craze, though the two are related. Here are some examples to clear things up. Nostalgia is “Starsky and Hutch” and “The Dukes of Hazzard” movies. Comeback is a “Road House” sequel and “The Cutting Edge 2” (no, I’m totally serious). Nostalgia is 20-year-olds wearing Strawberry Shortcake tees at Hot Topic. Comeback is 5-year-olds buying Strawberry Shortcake dolls at Toys R Us. Nostalgia is “I Love the 80s.” Comeback is “Remaking: Taylor Dayne.” Got it? Good. Now for the juicy stuff.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Whenever I notice a new trend, I can’t help but wonder, “How will this help people get laid?” This time the answer is obvious – exes. Whatever term you prefer (rekindling, blue binning, or Grover Cleveland), exes are floating to the top of everyone’s dating pool.

“How’d you two rekindle?” is the new “How did you two meet?” And not for no reason – ex sex doesn’t raise your “number,” exes already know what turns you on, and the time delay factor makes you forget about all of his/her bad qualities…at least for a little while. And luckily, you don’t need to be an official ex to make a comeback. Even a one-night-stand leaves room for rekindling. As long as there was a period of non-canoodling, there is a chance successful reunion. But how?

The internet is making it much harder for the one who got away to make a clean getaway. With sites like friendster, myspace, zabasearch, classmates, and hundreds of copycats, finding an old flame easier than ever. Just type you’re former/soon-to-be sweetie’s name and in seconds there will be photos, hobbies, and favorites at your fingertips. If you’d rather talk than type, call a mutual friend to get the ex’s current digits (and status – it’s no good trying to rekindle with married folk).

Once you know where your target lives and have peered through her bedroom window– I mean, determined that she is single and hasn’t gained like 200 pounds, it’s time for “the gesture.” Let the romantic comedy be your ultimate source of inspiration; boy loses girl, then he makes his cute, personal, and original comeback, and then boy gets girl again. But before you buy those airplane tickets or climb up that balcony, you might want to call first. Start small. Make sure you’ve at least got a shot before you spend your weekend editing together a starry-eyed slideshow.

After you’ve determined that she remembers you and doesn’t still have your face on a dartboard, remind her why she liked you in the first place. Prove that you remember details by buying her favorite food, flowers, or tickets to see a band she likes. Another smooth move is to send her an old photo of you 2 with a cutesy message: “Just in case my head’s been cut out of your copy.” Or how about a CD with a song that meant something to you two? (Though I strongly suggest adhering to the “No Boyz II Men” rule.)

What about those qualities of yours she didn’t so much? Minimize, minimize, minimize. Make sure to mention how much you’ve come to value punctuality, how you finally got around to using that gym membership, and how you decided not to renew your “Barely Legal” subscription this year. But most importantly, make sure she knows how much you missed her. This is not the time to play it cool. Be humble, be open, and be sincere.

So grab your yearbook/laptop/phonebook and get going while the zeitgeist is in your favor. By next week, rebuffing may be enjoying a new vogue. What? You don’t know! The point is you must act now, now, NOW!

The best is yet to come…back.

Future Predictions in the trend:

A VH1 special: “The 100 Greatest Celebrity Comebacks.”

Celebs who haven’t been dissed on Letterman or featured in Star will be thought of as too perfect and inaccessible. Publicists will purposely stage a fall from grace just so they can start planning a comeback. (I can only hope this is Tom Cruise’s strategy).

A slew of comeback attempts from faded stars like Luke Perry, Haley Joel Osment, Winona Ryder, and Fiona Apple.

“Best Comeback” category at this year’s MTV movie/music awards.

Celeb couples rekindling. Jude and Sienna are in the middle of a maybe reunion. Next up? Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal, Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid, or John Stamos and Rebecca Romijn.

Late night dating show where the contestant has to choose between 3 exes. Or where an ex tries to steal the contestant away from his/her current mate (ala "Change of Heart"). Um, hello KCAL? I'm so there.

You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.

The comeback trend can even be found on the blogosphere. Like, say there’s a super-cool blog that you read religiously, but then it goes mysteriously untouched for a few months. You’re all bummed….until it comes back with a completely stellar post that makes you appreciate it way more. That would be, like, really awesome, and you’d totally be hooked again, right? Uh…right?

Makeover of the Month: Potluck

The potluck has always been a popular party idea because it's easy on the host - less to buy, less to cook, and less to stress out about, but after a few run-ins with Lisa's Famous Meatballs and Don's Legendary Chili, the potluck starts to feel a bit...well, un-cool. So, what's a potluck to do to avoid hipster obsolescence? Get a Krystal-Ball makeover, that's what! (cheers, applause) That's right, it's not about covered dishes and cleverly disguised leftovers anymore. These new potlucks are about style, fun, and most importantly, everyone bringing a little something to the table:

Tapatluck - Forget the lasagna and the giant salad bowl. It's tapas only for this all night appetizer munchathon. Anyone who shows up with a casserole dish or a wooden serving spoon will be turned away at the door and sent to the nearest church basement.

*Wine: Necessary
*Mod decor: Optional

Hotlucky - Every guest must bring one hot (and of course single) person with them. As long as you and your friends share the same definition of hot, the lucky part should be no problem.

*Condoms: Necessary
*Getting his/her number after: Optional

Plotluck - Everyone must bring a 1-3 paragraph story about themselves. Remember, the idea is to learn something new about your friends, and yes, you already told us about that awesome time in college when you were on shrooms, and... I mean, can we get some new material over here? If desired, the host can even assign a topic, such as "I was most embarrassed when..." or "The first time I..."

*Creativity: Necessary
*Feeling like a dweeb because you exposed way too much: Optional

.luck - Your guests must place an internet personal ad, and then bring one person to the party who answers the ad. This is a guaranteed great time for anyone who likes baldies, fatties, and awkward small talk...just kidding. Jeez, I said I was kidding! Whatever.

*Getting the digital photo before the party: Necessary
*Making up a lame excuse after seeing him/her in person: Optional.

Shotluck - Who needs food when you've got booze? This party is all about the alcohol! (But really, what party isn't?) I highly recommend the Chocolate Cake Shot, Kamikaze, Jell-O, and- well who cares after that? You'll be too hammered to taste anything anyway.

*Taxis on call: Necessary
*Pole dancing: Optional...or was that the other way around?

Notluck - Hiring a professional party planner and insisting that guests bring nothing. Perfect for the anal-retentives who hyperventilate at the thought of leaving anything to chance.

*Napkin Swans: Necessary
*Valium: Optional

How To Be A Good Secret Admirer

Has anyone else noticed that courtship has gotten way boring? You meet at a bar or a party or through friends. Then you exchange numbers and end up at dinner or a movie or coffee. Then maybe after a few more movies or coffees or dinners, you become boyfriend/girlfriend. [yawn] I mean, what the eff? Where’s the suspense? Where’s the excitement? Where’s the creativity? They're all completely missing...and it's become acceptable. We singletons need something to get us out of this rut. We need something bold, something clever, something interesting. We need...the secret admirer!

The secret admirer has built-in mystery, and drama, and fun, and I’m getting excited just thinking about it. But it’s not as easy as simply signing a greeting card "guess who." A good secret admirer has forethought, preparation, and if nothing else, a reliable plan. "But how do I do all that?" you ask. Well, it's quite simple: you just keep reading...

NOTE: This is written to guys, but (of course) I believe that girls can secretly admire with the best of ‘em – the only difference is the pronouns.

Find Your Target
Choose a girl you like. It’s no fun doing creepy-sweet gestures for someone you’re only half into. Go for the girl who, at the very least, knows your name. At the big reveal, you don’t want hear, "Aren’t you, like, the breadstick guy from Olive Garden?" Please pick someone you know a little bit better than that.

Timing is Everything
Don’t blow your cover too soon. Building suspense takes time; keep the operation up long enough to arouse her curiosity, but not long enough for her to get a new boyfriend. When she looks your way with that shifty narrowed-eyes "is it you?" gaze, it’s time to reveal. In general, a day is too short, a month is too long.

Make it Personal
I hereby outlaw the use of stuffed animals and/or heart-shaped boxes of candy. It’s secret admirer, not secret tacky-ass cheeseball. Do something personal like putting her favorite half-caf vanilla 3-shot soy latte on doorstep. Or leave her an umbrella on a rainy day. A mix CD in the mailbox? Always good. Or how about a fortune cookie with a personalized message inside? No matter what you give her, be sure to leave a note. You don’t want some lazy dweeb taking credit for your moves.

And remember, it’s the thought that counts, not the perceived market value. I know that some gold diggers– um, I mean, girls– may disagree, but I think jewelry is a bit too much bling for a secret admirer.

Create a Buzz
A secret admirer needs to be his own PR department. If her friends are excited about you, she will be too. Be sure to send something to her workplace. Try flowers or cookies or a letter (I, myself, am a big fan of the long stem cookie bouquet – future secret admirers please take note). With an entire office full of nosy witnesses, word is bound to spread. Forget "Desperate Housewives," you will be the water cooler discussion. If you’re really good, they might even start an office pool on your identity.

Be Sneaky
If you plan on using snail mail, send your letters from a different zip code to keep her guessing. For example, if you live in Sherman Oaks, post the letter from Santa Monica. (Though I wouldn’t recommend the reverse: only sneak up the real estate ladder.)

To make it interesting, put a bouquet of flowers in a public locker, then slip her the key and directions. But don’t make her go too far out of her way. Road rage is not an aphrodisiac.

And for godssake, use the internet to your advantage. Being e-nonymous is easier than ever! Send her emails from a specialty address (Krystal’sAdmirer@hotmail.com). Or if you’re way net-savvy dedicate a website or blog to your girl. Send her the site’s URL, and then each day, post a new message just for her.

I Said "Sneaky," not "Stalker"
Don’t do anything illegal unless you have some sort of freaky pepper spray fetish. No girl is impressed by having to re-key her locks, change her passwords, or move out of state. In fact, even hinting at stalker behavior could push her away. Permanently.

Oh, and don’t collect any of her hair, clothing, or garbage. Someday she may find it, freak out, and know for sure that you are the creepiest of creepies. Really, don’t do it, you perv.

Get Her Ready for the Reveal
Send her a "Save the Date" card that discloses the night of your big reveal. Give her things for the date as it gets closer – a bottle of wine with 2 glasses or a business card of the romantic restaurant you plan to meet at. If you’re a total horndog, you might be hoping your reveal date will end with "Good Morning," but for the love of God, don’t let her know that. If I open my mailbox and see a Trojan Super Sampler, I’m not gonna meet you. I’m just not.

Once the date and time are all set, make arrangements to pick her up. Or have her meet you at a restaurant, and let the host lead her to your fabulous table.

Be Realistic
Secret admiring doesn’t guarantee to get you a girlfriend or even to get you laid, but don’t underestimate the power of a little thoughtfulness. No matter what the outcome, I promise it’ll be more interesting than another run-of-the-mill [double yawn] coffee date.